Prologue

Good friends, our Readers, who peruse this Book,

Be not offended, whilst on it you look:

Denude yourselves of all depraved affection,

For it contains no badness, nor infection:

‘Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth

Of any value, but in point of mirth;

Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind

Consume, we could no apter subject find;

One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span;

Because to laugh is proper to the man.

Text extract from Rabelais, François, (ca 1494-1553): The histories of Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais ; translated by J. M. Cohen (1955), pg. 40.

Viagra

Welcome onboard this k-hole airline flight 1.5 1000 to Margarita.
 While you are getting comfortable in the cabin this is a reminder that your entire package must fit securely inside the person in front of you. Before our departure please make sure that your seats are in the upright position and tray tables are stowed. 
Also please be aware that this is a smoking cabin, and smoking and drug-taking is encouraged in the designated lavatory areas. Ladies and gentlemen, we are now cruising!

Transcription from The Real Housewifes of Neukölln, Trash Drag Show S2 Finale: Tschüssi to the Club featuring Collapsella, Fanny, Cheryl, Marquis de Shade, Viagra Falls & Lady Bite, at the Club, Berlin, 24 Feb 2017.

Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of the us

For knowledge of the genealogy and of the antiquity of our descent, we refer you to our great Chronicle, from which you will learn at greater length how we were born into this world. Do not take it amiss, therefore, if for the moment we pass this over, though it is such an attractive subject that the more often it were gone over the better it would please you. For which fact you have the authority of Plato in his Philebus and his Gorgias, and of Horace, who says that there are some things—and these are no doubt of that kind—that become more delightful with each repetition. 


Would to God that everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy, from Noah’s ark to the present age! We think there are many to-day among the Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Princes, and Popes of this world whose ancestors were mere peelers of pardons and firewood; as, on the contrary, there are many almshouse beggars—poor, suffering wretches—who are descended from the blood and lineage of great Kings and Emperors; which seems likely enough when we consider the amazing transferences of crowns and empires throughout history to the present day.


And to give you some information about ourselves, who address you, believe that we are descended from some wealthy kings or queens of the olden days. For you have never met any persons with greater desire to be kings and queens or to be rich than we have, so that we may entertain liberally, do no work, have no worries, and plentifully reward our friends, as well as all worthy and learned men and women. But we comfort ourselves with one thought, that in the other world we shall have this, and greater still than at present we dare wish. So console yourselves in your misfortunes too, with as good thoughts or better, and drink lustily if you can get the liquor. 


Now return to our muttons, let us say that by the sovereign gift of heavens, this genealogy was found by a passer by in a park near Neukölln, below an oak tree, on the way to Hermannplatz. Here, as they were cleaning the ditches, the diggers struck with their picks against a great tomb of bronze, so immeasurably long that they never found the end of it. For it stuck out too far into the sluices of the Spree. Opening this tomb at a certain place which was sealed on the top with the sign of a goblet, around which was inscribed in Etruscan letters, HIC BIBITUR, they found nine flagons, arranged after the fashion of skittles; and beneath the middle flagon lay a great, greasy, grand, grey, pretty, little, mouldy Book, which smelt more strongly but not more sweetly than roses. In this Book was found the said genealogy, written at length in a chancery hand, not on paper, nor on parchment, nor on wax, but on elm-bark, so worn however by old age that scarcely three letters could be read.


Unworthy though we are, we were called in to inspect it and, with much help from our spectacles, following the art by which letters can be read that are not apparent—as Aristotle teaches—we translated it, as you may see if you drink to your hearts desire and read the dreadful and horrific acts of us. 


At the end of the Book was a little treatise entitled A Galimatia of extravagant Conceits. The rats and moths, or—to be more truthful—some other venomous vermin, had nibbled off the opening; but the rest we have put down, out of reverence for antiquity.

Text modified by Annika Larsson, original text: Rabelais, François, (ca 1494-1553): The histories of Gargantua and Pantagruel / y François Rabelais ; translated by J. M. Cohen (1955), pg. 41-42.

A Galimatia of extravagant Conceits, found in an ancient Monument

Cheryl came from Brooklyn NYC

Hitchhiked her way across the open sea

Clutched her pearls along the way

Divorce papers signed and then she was free

She said hey babe, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

She said hey, hun, you wanna fist in the dark room?

Collapsella came from San Marino

For the camera she was a dirty hobag

But she never broke her pose

No matter how much was up her nose

She said hey babe, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

She said, shut up, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

And the queens go

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Viagra Falls always gave it away

Some kake, some speed, as long as you were gay

A line here, a line there

Berlin City is the place where they said:

Hey babe, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

Hey slut, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

Marquis de Shade was always into pain

She’d make you beg, and then she’d whip you again

Went to the Labratory

Boy, I could tell you stories

She said, hey sugar, wanna fuck in the dark room?

She said, hey pig, I’ll chain you up in the dark room. Bitch.

Ida Entity was high off her face

Thought she was riding a ship in space

She liked the girls, she liked the boys

She liked to use a lot of toys

She said hey babe, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

She said, hey stranger, you wanna play in the dark room?

Fanny had the most beautiful legs

The men would get onto their knees and beg

Her moves would knock you to the floor

And once you’re there, she would say

Hey babe, you wanna fuck in the dark room?

She said, hey sailor, join me in the dark room?
And the queens go

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Song »Fuck in the Darkroom«, Lyrics by Alex Lee, performed by The Real Housewives of Neukölln, Trash Drag show FRRRUITY, Rosis Bar, Berlin, 27 May 2017.

The Discourse of the Drinkers

Draw!—Pass it over!—Fill it up!—A mixture!—Give it to me without some water, like that, my friend.—Toss me off that glass, neatly.—Draw me some claret, a brimming glass.—An end to thirst!—False fever, will you not begone?—God bless me, my dear, I can’t get my gullet working.—You’ve caught a chill, old girl.—You’re right.

…lets talk of drink […]—Which came first, drinking or thirst?—Thirst. For who could have drunk without a thirst in the time of innocence?—Drinking, for privatio praesupponit habitum (a lack can only be defined if there has been previous possession). I’m a Latinist. Foecundi calicoes quem fecere disertum? (Whom has the flowing bowl not made eloquent?) We poor innocents drink only too much with no thirst.—As I’m a sinner, I never drink without a thirst, if not a present thirst a future one. I forestall it you see. I drink for the thirst to come. I drink eternally. For me eternity lies in drinking, and drinking in eternity.—Let’s have a song, lets have a drink, lets’s catch! Where is my tuning-fork?—What! I only drink by proxy.—Do you wet your guts to dry them, or dry your guts to wet them?—I don’t understand the theory, but I help myself out by the practice.—Enough!—I moisten my lips, I wet my thirst, and I gulp it up, all for the fear of dying.—Drink all the time and you’ll never die.—If I don’t drink, I’m high and dry, as good as dead. My soul will fly off to some frog-pond.

Text modified by Annika Larsson / original text: François, (ca1494-1553): The histories of Gargantua and Pantagruel / y François Rabelais ; translated by J. M. Cohen (1955), pg. 48-50.

The old pond—a frog jumps in, kerplunk!
Hard road! I walked till both feet stunk—
Ma! Ma! Whatcha doing on that bed?
Pa! Pa! what hole you hide your head?

Left home got work down town today
Sold coke, got busted looking gay
Day dream, I acted like a clunk
Th’old pond—a frog jumps in, kerplunk!

Got hitched, I bought a frying pan
Fried eggs, my wife eats like a man
Won’t cook, her oatmeal tastes like funk
Th’old pond—a frog jumps in, kerplunk!

Eat shit exactly what she said
Drink wine, it goes right down my head
Fucked up, they all yelled I was drunk
Th’old pond—a frog jumps in, kerplunk!

Saw God at six o’ clock tonight
Flop house, I think I’ll start a fight
Head ache like both my eyeballs shrunk
Th’old pond—a frog jumps in, kerplunk!

Poem Old Pond by Allen Ginsburg, August 22, 1978

A

Ich liebe sie. (lachen) Wenn ich nicht schwul wäre, würde ich dich anmachen.

B

Du billige Schlampe. Ein paar Komplimente und dann bist du bereit.

A

Ich weiß, ich war nicht teuer.

C

Aber 38, du siehst gut aus wirklich.

A

Dankeschön.

C

Ja.

A

Du auch. Für 30, du siehst auch sehr jung aus.

C

Danke danke.

A

Er sieht alt aus. (lachen)

C

Wie alt bist du?

B

35!

C

Auch super.

A

Wir kamen zusammen hierher.

B

Ja..

C

Aber..

B

Wir haben uns auf Gran Canaria, ich komme aus Gran Canaria…

A

Ich habe..

C

Aber aber..

A

Ich komme aus Kroatien.

C

Du bist zusammen auch? Freund und Freund oder nur Freunde?

A

Nein. Wir sind sehr gute Freunde.

B

Ja seit langer Zeit.

A

Ich habe in Gran Canaria gelebt /Ja / Ich war in Barcelona und dann habe ich gesagt ay Barcelona, so viel Stress, so viel Mode, so viel Scheiße / Meinst du / Jaa.. mag ich nicht so. Und dann habe ich gesagt, ich habe kein Lust auf Winter, ich habe keine Lust…

C

Und dann kommst du nach Berlin?

A

Ne ne ne , dann bin ich nach Gran Canaria, dann habe ich gesagt, da war Oktober, da habe ich gesagt »Scheiß auf Arbeit, scheiß auf alles!« ich geh nach Gran Canaria. Da gibt’s keinen Winter / Ja / und dann mal sehen was ich mache mit meinem Leben. Und dann habe ich…

B

Und dann hat er dieses Stück… mich kennengelernt (lacht)

C

Aber warum jetzt Berlin?

A

Und dann war ich 4 Jahre da.

C

Aber hier ist wirklich Winter. Warum Berlin jetzt?

A

Und ich hab dann angefangen zu recyceln. Aber Recycling zum Ficken ist ist nicht gut.

C

Aber da gibt es wirklich auch so einen Gaypride oder? In Gran Canaria?

A

Jaaa Touristen.. Ich hatte so ein T-Shirt »No tourist«. Weil… Ich find das nicht so spannend. Ich find das immer so spannend weißt du, so mit Leuten zu ficken, die man dann gar nicht kennt und vielleicht kann ja mal daraus was interessantes werden. (Pause) Und was machst du in Berlin?

C

Wohnen. (A lacht) Wohnen.. Arbeiten…

A

Wohnen, ficken, masturbieren. (B lacht).

C

Alle ja. Gerne.

B

Alle zusammen heute auch.

A

Alles zusammen.

C

Alles zusammen.

A

Mit wem? Bist du lesbisch?

C

Nein (lacht) Seh ich aus wie lesbisch?

A

Nein.

C

Nein.

B

Wie sehen lesbisch aus?

C

Ich habe einen Freund.

A

Ja?

C

Ja.

A

Wer ist er?

B

Ist er hier?

C

Matthias. Nein, er ist nicht hier.

A

Hat er einen großen Schwanz?

C

Er sieht aus wie schwul.

A

Echt?

C

Ja alle… Aber das ist ein ähm äh threesome.

A

Oh sehr interessant.

B

Polyamor.

C

Ja.

A

Polylove.

C

Ja.

A

Achso okay. (Unverständlich / Pause)

B

Bist du lesbisch?

D

Vielleicht.. (alle lachen)

A

Du siehst ein bisschen lesbisch aus. (Alle lachen) Ich habe eine lesbische Freundin. (Pause)

B

Ich habe eine lesbische Schwester.

A

Und zwei Cousinen.

D

Das war ein Witz.

A

Bist du nicht? Ahh..

B

Ist das wichtig? Ist das überhaupt wichtig?

A

Nein, aber interessant. Das ist nicht wichtig.

C

Aber warum?

B

Ist es überhaupt wichtig?

C

Genau.

A

Es ist nur eine Information.

B

Ja genau. Woher kommst du?

A

Wo kommst du her?

C

Schweden.

A

Auch?

C

Ja klar.

A

So klar ist das auch nicht.

C

Wir sind ein Team. Sie arbeitet nur mit Schweden.

A

Es gibt auch Teams, die aus Schweden und Simbabwe bestehen.

C

Du auch ne?

E

Ja ja, ich bin Schwedin.

A

Aha… (unverständlich)

A

Holland, Spanien, Kroatien, Schweden…

C

Frankreich und Deutsches.

A

Sehr interessant. Und der Blonde? Wo kommt der her?

C

Ja Deutschland.

A

Deutschland?

C

Aber du fickst immer noch gern?

A

Ach weißt du, ich bin schon 38.

C

Das ist doch egal.

A

Irgendwann ist der Libido dann nicht mehr so groß.

C

(lacht) okay. Aber genieß es..

A

Vielen Dank, aber hast du… hast du noch Feuer für mich?

C

Auch.

B

Bist du immer noch… bist du immer noch mit deiner Zigarette?
PAUSE

A

You want to go with me to toilette?

Transcription of conversation at Rote Rose, Berlin, 29 Oct 2016.